31 October 1981
by Neurotica
Summary: One-Shot. Revised. Sirius Black's thoughts and actions the night Lily and James died. Rating for strong language.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the situations or characters you recognize in this story. That privilege belongs solely to J.K. Rowling.**

**Warning: **This story is rated M for a reason. The language towards the end is much stronger than I normally use in my writing. If you do not like the use of strong language, kindly hit the back button at the top of your browser and move on with your day.

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_**31 October 1981**_

By Neurotica

A man, barely twenty-one years of age sat in darkness staring out into the stormy night. The heavy rain made visibility nearly impossible, but he didn't seem to be concentrating on the outside world. The only light in the room was the fire which had been dying out for some time. The man made no effort to change that anytime soon.

His long black hair that reached just below his shoulders was placed perfectly upon his head. His bright grey eyes made his handsome face glow. His tall frame was hunched over as he sat in the dark leather armchair.

Sirius Black's thoughts on this night were of his friends. A small smile crept on his face as he thought of them.

James with his mischievous hazel eyes and equally mischievous grin on his face; Lily with that beautiful dark red hair and those enchanting emerald green eyes; Remus looking older than he should with a few grey strands mixed into his sandy hair; Peter, the mousy-looking boy who was normally afraid of his own shadow.

Then there was Harry. Sirius' smile widened at the thought of the junior Marauder. The little boy captured the heart of anyone who knew him. He was starting to look more like James with that blasted unmanageable hair, but the eyes were unmistakably Lily's.

At fifteen-months-old (_Today_, Sirius realized with a small jolt), Harry was starting to talk. His first word was "Dad," and Sirius winced at the memory it brought back. It had been three months ago. Instead of talking to his father, however, the infant had looked at Sirius as he said it. James, to say the least, wasn't happy. In fact, for a few days after the incident, Sirius walked around with two black and blue eyes. He could have waved his wand and made them disappear, but that would have taken the fun out of the guilt trip he'd given James. And if Sirius didn't know any better, he would swear that Harry continued to call him "Dad" just to get his godfather into trouble.

_Well, he is the son of a Marauder, after all..._ he thought, grinning.

Harry's vocabulary had grown immensely since that day. After learning the basics, ("Ma," "Dad," and—every child's favorite word—"No"), he'd learned the names of all the Marauders: "Mooy," "Wohmtail," "Pafoo," and "Prons." He'd also learned—much to Lily's displeasure—"Dunbom." That one had Sirius and James hiding from Lily for an entire day.

Yes, the green eyed Marauder could definitely voice what he wanted. And with that level of cuteness, who was Sirius to deny anything his godson could possibly ever want.

Sirius' thoughts drifted back to Peter. Just two days ago, James and Lily placed their lives—along with the life of their only son—in Peter's hands. They'd done it because Sirius had asked them to. Not out of fear for his own life; Sirius' only fear was for his friends. If Voldemort and his Death Eaters captured Sirius, he was sure they had ways to get the Secret out of him. So, out of this fear, Sirius convinced James and Lily to switch Secret-Keepers to Peter. After all, who would suspect little Peter Pettigrew? Just about the entire wizarding world knew that James' best friend was Sirius, and that James would not trust anyone _but_ Sirius with something this important.

_The plan is flawless_, he thought, still trying to convince himself. _Peter will be okay. And soon, Lily, James, and Harry will come out of hiding and life will be back to normal. _He snorted. _Well, as normal as possible with a psychotic madman after you._

But there was something nagging at the back of his mind. Something was wrong. It was a feeling he got in the pit of his stomach. After nearly three years as an Auror, Sirius learned to trust those feelings. But... what was it?

Peter? James? Lily? ...Harry?

_Maybe I should check on Peter,_ he thought. _Yeah, that's a good plan. Then I can see that everything is fine..._

Sirius stood stretching from his armchair and strode swiftly to the closet where he fumbled through the robes and coats for the black leather jacket he sought. As he took out the jingling ring of keys from his pocket and headed out the door, he had a feeling that leaving right now was going to change everything. Nothing would be the same after this night. He wasn't sure if it would be for the good or for the bad. But everything was going to change. It was the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach, and those feelings never lied.

Pulling himself away from his rather disturbing thoughts, Sirius opened his door and quickly moved through the building where he'd lived since he was sixteen. He pushed open the door and stepped out into the downpour, just as a loud crack of thunder sounded and the night sky was split open by a jolt of lightning. Something in Sirius snapped—the feeling of impending doom seemed to grow in the pit of Sirius' stomach. Trying not to panic, he hopped down the short staircase that led to the building's entrance and ran through the rain around the side to the parking garage where he stored his prized motorbike.

Without hesitation, Sirius rolled the bike onto the flooding driveway and climbed on. The motor started with the turn of a key. If she had been there, Lily would lecture him for hours about riding his motorcycle without a helmet.

_Hopefully I'll get another lecture from her soon..._ he thought almost desperately. Sirius sped off down the street before turning sharply into the other direction. Once he gained enough speed, Sirius hit the small silver button on the dash and was instantly in the air.

Sirius flew as fast as he could in the direction of Peter's hiding spot. The cold rain had soaked through his jacket, numbing his skin, but he didn't dare slow down. Something was terribly, horribly wrong.

After nearly thirty minutes, Sirius landed his motorcycle with a _thud_ near Peter's front door and skidded to a stop, not paying any mind to any Muggle neighbors that may have been looking out the window at that moment. He quickly jumped off the motorcycle and ran up the front stairs. Without knocking, Sirius threw open the front door. He'd expected to find a fire blazing in the fireplace, some Muggle show on the television Lily had convinced Peter to buy, and his friend sitting on the couch, a bottle of butterbeer in his hand, laughing at the state Sirius was in.

What he actually found scared the hell out of him.

Darkness.

Silence.

"WORMTAIL!" he yelled. When there was no response, he yelled again. "PETER! It's me! Where the bloody hell are you?"

Sirius took out his wand and lit the room he was in. Nothing seemed out of place. He ran through the house shouting his friend's name. But Peter didn't seem to be there.

Sirius ran down the steep wooden stairs to the basement, nearly breaking his neck in the process. It too, was deserted. Peter wasn't there. Immediately, a vision of Peter being tortured by Voldemort entered his mind. But if Peter had been captured, he would have put up some sort of struggle. Nothing in the house was broken. Sure, there was a bit of a mess in the kitchen, but that was normal.

Then another thought entered his mind. This time things started to fall into place. Peter's recent unexplained disappearances, how nervous he got when someone asked him what he'd been up to. The sudden confidence he'd seemed to gain overnight. Sirius' eyes drifted to the mantle above the fireplace. There was a picture of the four Marauders. No... three... There were James, Sirius, and Remus all acting goofy, but no sign of Peter. His mouth dropped open in realization and all the color in his body drained.

"Shit," he muttered.

Sirius ran back out of the house to his motorcycle that lay carelessly on the ground. He picked it up, jumped on, and set off to Godric's Hollow.

He should have known. Should have seen it months ago. Sirius had been too preoccupied thinking Remus was the spy that he'd completely looked over the fact that it might just be Peter. How could he not have seen it? All the clues were there. And he was supposed to be a top Auror! This was his job, finding Death Eaters. He'd convinced Lily and James to make Peter the Secret-Keeper.

_What have I done? _he thought, horror filling his veins. If he was right, and Sirius prayed to every deity in existence that he wasn't, then Peter would have turned the Potters over to Voldemort.

The flight to Godric's Hollow seemed to take hours. He landed a block away from the Potters' home; the wards placed around the house wouldn't allow him to get any closer in the air. Once he hit the street, Sirius sped up. He had to get there before it was too late. He had to warn James and Lily, they had to get out of there before—

Sirius' thoughts stopped instantly as he laid eyes on the sight before him. There was only one word to describe what he saw: Destruction. The once beautiful two-story cottage lay in ruins. A fire seemed to have broken out somewhere, but was quickly being put out by the rain.

Horrified, Sirius slowly made his way up the sidewalk to where the front door was just two days ago.

"No. Please, god... no..." he whispered repeatedly.

His eyes began to burn as he searched the ruins for his friends, his true family_. _Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw a familiar head of black hair. As he walked towards it, his knees began to give out. Sirius crumbled next to James' body, not feeling the warm stream of tears falling from his eyes. Frantically, Sirius searched for any sign of life; he found none.

"James... Oh god, James. I'm so sorry. All my fault..."

Sirius lost all feeling in his body staring at the wide eyes of his dead best friend. The look on James' face was one of horror. His wand was still tightly clenched in his hand, though it had been broken in half—he could see the dragon heartstring of the wand's core sticking out. Sirius attempted to wipe some dirt off of James' face, but all he did was smear it more. Sirius then realized James was missing something.

"His glasses... He can't see without his glasses... He needs his glasses..." Sirius muttered while tears continued to stream from his already bloodshot eyes. Having something to concentrate on momentarily pushed aside his grief. He dug through dirt and gravel with shaking hands until he found what he was looking for: A pair of dark, round-framed glasses. One lens was cracked, while the other was completely missing.

Sniffing back his tears, Sirius carefully closed the eyes of his brother, and placed the glasses upon his face. Sirius kissed his forehead, once again letting the tears flow freely. "Goodbye, Prongs. I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Lily.

What about Lily?

Sirius looked around the destruction for the red hair everyone seemed to be drawn to. For a moment, he thought hopefully that maybe Lily had taken Harry and escaped.

But then he saw her. She was lying in what Sirius supposed had once been Harry's nursery. On shaking legs, Sirius left James and half stumbled to where Lily lay. She, too, was covered in dirt. Her arm was behind her back at an awkward angle, as if she was trying to reach for something behind her, and her now faded green eyes stared at nothing. Sirius carefully lifted Lily's body, moving her arm to her chest, and kissed her cheek.

_They're dead. They're all dead. It's all my fault! My best friends! DEAD!_

Sirius held Lily close to him, allowing his grief to take over for a few more moments before another thought hit him.

_Wormtail. That rat bastard! I'll kill him!_

Sirius placed Lily gently back on the ground, stood, and began walking towards the street when he heard it.

A whimper.

A cry.

Sirius spun around and searched for the source of the noise. He walked back towards Lily and heard it again, louder this time; he was getting closer. Finally he found it buried beneath dirt and rock. Its forehead covered in blood. Its green eyes filled with fresh tears. Harry. How could he have forgotten his godson?

"Harry? How?" Sirius picked up the child and held him close. Harry began crying for his mother; Sirius cried harder. Now wasn't the time, though; he had to comfort Harry. "Shh, it's okay Harry. It's gonna be alright. Padfoot's here."

Sirius wiped some of the blood off Harry's forehead to reveal a lighting bolt-shaped cut. Tears were streaming from his godson's eyes as if a dam had broken. Sirius pulled the crying infant closer to him.

_  
I've got to get him out of here, _Sirius thought. _I'm all he has left._

From behind them, Sirius heard a loud _pop_ signaling someone Apparating onto the scene. Sirius instinctively held Harry closer and spun around, reaching for his wand.

In front of them stood a man taller than James and Sirius put together. Wild hair and an equally wild beard covered his head and face. His normal cheerful eyes, gone, replaced by bloodshot circles; Hagrid had been crying.

Hagrid took no notice of Sirius and the still crying Harry as he surveyed the destruction of the Potter home. His eyes went from the crater that the home had become to the body of James, and finally to Lily.

"No! Why?" he cried into the darkness. Hagrid had known Lily and the Marauders since their first day at Hogwarts. He spent most of those seven years chasing the boys away from the Forbidden Forest. He'd been at Lily and James' wedding.

After a few moments, Hagrid seemed to remember something. He looked away from Lily's body and spotted Sirius standing just a few feet away.

"Sirius... my god... Wha 'appened?" he asked in a broken voice. This was a rhetorical question; Hagrid knew what had happened before he'd even arrived.

Sirius looked at the Hogwarts gamekeeper, to his friends, then to Harry. "They—they're d-dead!" he cried.

Both men and the baby in Sirius' arms cried silently for a few moments. Hagrid had yet to realize Harry was there.

"S-Sirius. I-I need to take Harry... D-Dumbledore's orders..." he said.

Sirius looked at Hagrid with wide eyes. "Take him? Take him where?"

"He's ter go to his aunt and uncle's," Hagrid responded gently.

"No! You can't take him to them! They're Muggles! They hate magic! They won't understand him! Harry needs me, Hagrid! I'm his godfather. I'll take him, I'll keep him safe!" Sirius argued.

"Sirius, m'sorry, but I've got me orders from Dumbledore. I have ter take him." Hagrid moved closer to the pair, still sniffing heavily.

Sirius wanted nothing more than to argue and take Harry away himself. He couldn't live with Lily's sister. Sirius knew that was who Hagrid had meant. James was an only child, after all. He knew, however, that picking an argument with the half-giant would not be to his advantage. Hagrid would win in the end, especially if he was on a mission from Dumbledore.

"S'okay, Sirius," Hagrid said gruffly. "Everything'll work out jus fine, you'll see. Dumbledore's gonna take him outta all this. Please, Sirius."

Sirius looked from Hagrid to the wide, wet eyes of his godson. With a heavy sigh of defeat, he nodded. _I can get Harry from Dumbledore in tomorrow,_ he silently promised himself.

After kissing Harry's forehead and promising a quick return, Sirius handed the boy over to Hagrid. As Hagrid turned to leave, Sirius had a thought.

"Hagrid, take my motorcycle. It'll get you to... to Dumbledore faster." Sirius said.

Hagrid seemed shocked at the offer. "Sirius, are ya sure? You love that thing!"

Sirius nodded. "I won't be needing it after tonight," he said in a harsher voice than he'd intended to use.

If Hagrid wondered what that statement or the tone meant, he hadn't said anything. Sirius silently led Hagrid and Harry to where the motorcycle lay on the street. After quickly explaining how to work the machine, Sirius handed Hagrid the keys and watched the giant of a man climb on. Once they were comfortable, Sirius leaned over Hagrid's large arm and kissed Harry's forehead once again. "See you soon, Harry," he said.

Without another word to Hagrid, Sirius retrieved his wand from his jacket and Apparated to Muggle London. Why he went there, and how he did it without splinching himself, Sirius would never know. There were too many thoughts racing through his brain at the moment to give that a second's thought.

_James._

_Lily._

_Harry._

_Peter..._

_PETER!_

_The RAT! That fucking rat bastard was the cause of all of this!_ Sirius thought angrily. _I'll find you, Peter. And I will fucking kill you!_

Sirius walked through London seeing nothing but red. Blood. He wanted Peter's blood for what he had done.

He didn't notice the sun rise hours later over London, nor did he notice the crowd of commuters making their way to the train on the sidewalk. All he thought about was the best way to kill the rat. Magic wasn't going to be satisfying enough. No. No, he'd kill the rat the Muggle way: tearing him limb by traitorous limb.

Sirius walked across the streets completely oblivious to the honks from irritated motorists as he walked past their moving cars. He walked for forever, never having a real destination.

That was until he saw it.

_The RAT!_

Sirius began sprinting towards it with hatred as he never felt before taking over. Finally, Sirius backed it into a corner. It began to tremble and whimper at the sight before him. Anyone would, really. Sirius Black looking like _that_ couldn't be a good thing. He looked downright murderous, psychotic.

"You no good SON OF A BITCH!" Sirius roared. Passersby either didn't notice or didn't care what was happening in the alleyway. "You killed them! You—" But Sirius was cut off.

"Sirius! How could you?" the rat yelled.

Sirius' eyes became red again from the hatred of the _thing_ that stood before him. "_What did you say?_" he hissed.

But the rat didn't answer. "James and Lily, Sirius! How could you? You killed them, Sirius!"

Before Sirius could attack the rat, things were happening. Fast. The rat's hands went behind its back. The sound of a knife hitting the ground.

A finger.

Blood.

A wand.

The evil grin on the rat's betraying lips.

_Flash._

Screams.

The transformation.

Things made sense immediately. Peter Pettigrew, the most ignorant student Hogwarts had in their year, had just outsmarted one of the smartest of the year. Peter. Outsmarted. Sirius Black. For some reason unbeknownst to himself, Sirius suddenly found this hilarious. He began laughing. Obviously, Sirius Black had lost his bloody mind. The losses he'd suffered over the past several hours made him snap.

Sirius continued laughing even as Ministry officials arrived on the scene. He was laughing so hard, he hadn't heard Cornelius Fudge read him his rights. Nor did he object when Kingsley Shacklebolt apprehended him and Apparated them both to the Ministry.

_It's all a dream,_ he told himself. _All a goddamned FUCKING _NIGHTMARE!

When he was thrown into a cell in Azkaban later that afternoon, Sirius was waiting for the moment he would open his eyes to the comfortable surroundings of his Hogwarts dormitory with Remus, Peter, and James laughing about their latest prank.

It never happened...


End file.
